Poor, handsome Luis Figo. After months of traveling the world, holding up a manifesto, and touting himself as the man to reform FIFA, he has abruptly dropped his idealistic bid to become president of football’s governing body upon arriving at the shocking realization that the election might not be totally fair. Like someone applying to be CEO of slaughterhouse rescinding their application after finding out that they get their meat by killing animals.

If only someone had told him of this certainty before he went to the trouble of coming up with a hashtag.

Figo made his announcement a little more than a week before the election (aka Papa Sepp’s pre-victory shindig). From Reuters:

“My decision is made, I will not stand in what is being called an election for the FIFA presidency,” he said on his Facebook page.

“After a personal reflection and sharing views with two other candidates in this process, I believe that what is going to happen on May 29 in Zurich is not a normal electoral act. And because it is not, don’t count on me.” […]

“There has not been a single public debate about each candidate’s proposals,” said the 42-year-old Figo in announcing his decision.

“Does anyone think it’s normal that an election for one of the most relevant organisations on the planet can go ahead without a public debate?”

For FIFA it is.

“Does anyone think it’s normal that one of the candidates doesn’t even bother to present an election manifesto that can be voted on May 29,” he said referring to Blatter.

For FIFA it is.

“Shouldn’t it be mandatory to present such a manifesto so that federation presidents know what they’re voting for?”

Did you really not know anything about FIFA before you began your campaign, Luis? You’ve seen their board room, right?

“This electoral process is anything but an election.

“This (election) process is a plebiscite for the delivery of absolute power to one man — something I refuse to go along with.

“I do not fear the ballot box, but I will not go along with nor will I give my consent to a process which will end on May 29 and from which soccer will not emerge the winner.”

Well, no, Sepp Blatter will emerge the winner. That’s how this works. That’s how this always works. Everyone not named Luis Figo knew this all along.

He added: “I have witnessed consecutive incidents, all over the world, that should shame anyone who desires soccer to be free, clean and democratic.

“I have seen with my own eyes federation presidents who, after one day comparing FIFA leaders to the devil, then go on stage and compare those same people with Jesus Christ.

“Nobody told me about this. I saw it with my own eyes.”

Poor, handsome Luis Figo. We can only hope that no one tells him pro wrestling is predetermined until after he’s recovered from this shock.

Dutch FA president Michael van Praag quit his campaign the same day as Figo, leaving Jordan’s Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein as the only man left to be steamrolled by Blatter in the election.