Director: OK, Cristiano, we have to do a holiday advertisement for these terrible headphones so I thought we’d do a unique take on “Jingle Bells” where you perform the song at home while doing everyday things.
Cristiano: Oh, so you want me to sing “Jingle Bells” with my shirt off? OK. We can do that. No problem.
Director: No, actually, we would just have you do things like brush your teeth and make toast and we’d edit it to sound like the song. No singing necessary.
Cristiano: But I would still be shirtless.
Director: Well, not necessarily. It would be you wearing the headphones and banging on the wall or going up and down the stairs.
Cristiano: And I whistle the song while I walk? OK, let’s do it.
Director: No, there’s no whistling either. Just the sounds of these various actions cut together to make the song.
Cristiano: Walking up the stairs doesn’t sound like “Jingle Bells.” Would you put bells inside the stairs or on my feet?
Director: No no no, there would be no actual bells. Just the normal sounds those actions make. Then we’ll edit it to sound like the song “Jingle Bells” later.
Cristiano: Oh, so I’d sing the song in the studio after we film everything. I can sing a Rihanna song instead.
Director: No. There is no singing at any point. It’s just the sounds.
Cristiano: So you’d put bells on my tooth brush?
Director: NO! There will be no bells and no singing and no whistling. Just do what I tell you and it will work out fine. I promise. OK? Can we do this please?
Cristiano: Fine. But in January, I’m going to demand a transfer to another production company.
Director: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.
Cristiano: Yes. Give me the lyrics and we can start.
Director: (weeps…to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)