Messi brand cocaine explains so much

Could Leo Messi’s physical transformation have something to do with all the coke branded with his name?

Peruvian police seized 1,417 kilos of cocaine worth $85 million on the street, much of which was decorated with Leo Messi’s name and likeness.


“Most of the 1,288 packages of drugs were camouflaged as squid filets and had a label that said ‘Messi’ along with a picture of the Argentina player Lionel Messi wearing the shirt of the Spanish club Barcelona,” the news release said.

But this wasn’t the first time Messi cocaine has been seized by law enforcement. It happened in October of last year…

And in August…

So what’s going on here? Is this Messi’s plan to get on Maradona’s good side? Whatever the motivation, Messi becoming a drug kingpin would explain the transformation he has undergone in recent months.

It wasn’t that long ago that Leo looked like he was perpetually 12 years old.

Then he bleached his hair, grew a beard, covered himself in tattoos, got a giant attack dog and started evading taxes.

It was a drastic change for someone who was once so understated. But if you’re going to move large quantities of coke, you’ve gotta look the part in order to keep rivals in check. Suddenly everything makes sense.