The Goalmouth

Your daily serving of bite-size soccer news

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A five-minute summary of the latest soccer news and nonsense delivered every weekday morning by 7 a.m. EST so you can listen on your drive to work or while trying not to smell that dude next to you on the subway. A coproduction of Howler, Total Soccer Show, and Dirty Tackle.

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April 18, 2017

  1. Carli Lloyd is going to Wembley! She and Manchester City will first play Lyon in the Champions League semifinals on April 22 and 29, then Birmingham City in the FA Cup final in May. BBC
  2. ’Arry Redknapp, soccer’s most voluble silent H, takes over for Gianfranco Zola at relegation-threatened Birmingham City. His wife’s reaction: “Are you mad?” GUARDIAN
  3. John Terry is leaving Chelsea at the end of the season, which means he’s about to become teammates with Carlos Tevez or Bradford Jamieson IV. BBC
  4. Brooks Lennon, the American winger on loan from Liverpool to RSL, scored a wonderful winning goal on Saturday. Will Parchman compares him to Arjen Robben. TOP DRAWER SOCCER
  5. The letters claiming a link between ISIS and the Dortmund bombing may not be credible. Police are now investigating the far-right extremists that Dortmund has recently been trying to suppress. GUARDIAN
  6. Rudy Gestede’s record of winless matches extends to 42. You know it’s bad because the latest match he couldn’t win was against Arsenal. (The link is a story about Match 32 because this will only really be a story again when he wins a game.) GOAL
  7. Carlos Tevez was injured, so he went to Disneyland Shanghai instead of his club’s match. Apparently fans don’t understand that they encouraged exactly this type of behavior by paying him eff-you money. YAHOO
  8. More trouble in China. Paulinho got in trouble for making an ad for a gambling company with a Japanese porn star. Gambling and selling adult films are both illegal in China. Her filmography includes the titles “Lots of Love Juice,“ “Intercourse While Sweating Heavily,” and “The Older Sister Prances Around in the Nude at Home and I Can’t Stand It.” YAHOO
  9. Kolo Toure misunderstands a question, reveals that his favorite song is by Whitney Houston. TWITTER

April 17, 2017

  1. Chelsea lost to Man United and now Antonio Conte says Spurs are the best team in the Premier League. What a fair weather fan. GUARDIAN
  2. Sydney Leroux had an impressive return from maternity leave, but Amy Rodriguez suffered an unfortunate injury. KANSAS CITY
  3. Another match, another bit of crowd violence for Lyon. Everyone needs to relax. ESPN FC
  4. Panama international Amilcar Henriquez was shot outside his home. He was 33 years old. GOAL
  5. Isco keeps his adorable promises. REAL MADRID

April 14, 2017

  1. And the latest winners of the Jose Mourinho blame game are… BBC
  2. Bruce Arena thinks the U.S. just might be able to win the 2026 World Cup. Like, in real life. ESPN FC
  3. The bunga bunga party is over at Milan as Silvio Berlusconi has officially sold the club to Chinese investors. Prepare for some big spending. SKY
  4. Arsenal reportedly offered Alexis Sanchez £300,000 a week! But will he take it? And does Arsene Wenger know about it? EVENING STANDARD
  5. Sunderland had to play against their U-8 team to get some confidence ahead of the weekend. THE MIRROR

April 13, 2017

  1. No jokes here: one suspect in custody and another is being sought for questioning in relation to the Borussia Dortmund bus bombing. Well done, German police! THE GUARDIAN
  2. Nuri Sahin and his Dortmund teammates took time while recovering from the attack… to play a Champions League quarterfinal match. Afterwards, the Turkish international gave a pretty emotional interview. TELEGRAPH
  3. Cristiano Ronaldo became the first player ever to score 100 Champions League goals, and (I assume) immediately requested that no one attempt to create another stature in his honor. ESPN
  4. Didier Drogba is officially coming to a USL franchise near you, provided (of course) you happen to live in the immediate vicinity of Phoenix, Arizona. NEW YORK TIMES
  5. The Norse Saga of Long Distance Football has finally begun; Scottish youth team’s errant shot travels over 1,000 miles to Norwegian shores. BBC

April 12, 2017

  1. Here’s the latest reporting on the attack on the Borussia Dortmund team bus yesterday. REUTERS
  2. Juventus beat Barcelona 3–0 in Turin last night with two world-class goals from Paulo Dybala. UEFA
  3. An FC Dallas youth team beat Real Madrid 1–0 in the Generation Adidas Cup in Frisco. However, of the eight MLS sides in the 16-team tournament, only the New York Red Bulls advanced to the semifinals, after beating Club Tijuana 5–0. MLSSOCCER
  4. Last week, a Club Tijuana reserves player was arrested at the U.S. border with 48 pounds of crystal meth hidden in his car. The dual-national says he didn’t know about the drugs; he just wanted to eat breakfast at Denny’s. REMEZCLA
  5. This bicycle kick from a flip-throw in last night’s OKC vs Sacramento game will make you think someone laced your Moons Over My Hammy with some Blue Sky. And is probably the first time a soccer game in Oklahoma got the №1 spot on SportsCenter’s Top 10. DIRTY TACKLE

April 10, 2017

  1. CONCACAF is planning to revamp friendlies with a ‘League of Nations’ format similar to the one UEFA is introducing. REUTERS
  2. Plenty of American players were in action in the Bundesliga over the weekend, including John Brooks, who scored a goal “that’d make world-class striker jealous” according to the headline in this piece. It absolutely won’t, but you should watch it anyway. STARS AND STRIPES FC
  3. Diego Costa is either planning an improved contract or a move away from Chelsea, as he’s claimed he is unhappy with life in London. THE METRO
  4. Reading are on course for a place in the Championship play-offs. But their prospective promotion back to the Premier League may be blocked due to a change in ownership. THE TELEGRAPH
  5. Ancelotti kissed a Ribery and he liked it. MARCA

April 7, 2017

  1. The US, Canada and Mexico will submit a joint bid to host the 2026 World Cup. What could possibly go wrong with that idea? THE GUARDIAN
  2. Brazil are back at the top of the FIFA Rankings for the first time in seven years. Thanks Paulinho! REUTERS
  3. Russian fans might not be able to watch either the Confederations Cup or the World Cup being hosted in their country, thanks to a TV rights dispute with FIFA. THE INDEPENDENT
  4. Marc Bartra tracked down a lone Borussia Dortmund fan who was brave enough to sit with the Schalke fans at last week’s Ruhr Derby. WHO ATE ALL THE PIES
  5. And finally, this is an appeal for you to start helping Arsenal fans. TWITTER

April 5, 2017

  1. St. Louis citizens voted 53–47 not to give 60 million of their dollars to people who are already millionaires so they can build them a new soccer stadium, pat them on the head, and still charge $12 for a cup of freaking beer. ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
  2. FC Dallas became the first visiting side to score against Pachuca at Estadio Hidalgo but still lost 3–1 on a stoppage time goal and went out of the CONCACAF Champions League semifinals. MLS teams are now 2–8–38 against Mexican clubs in competitive matches. ESPNFC
  3. Vancouver will leave its roof open in tonight’s match against Tigres in hopes of a “miserable night on the pitch.” WHITECAPS FC
  4. Citing exploitative working conditions, the Irish women’s national team is threatening to strike. These include playing without being paid (ugh), having to share their jerseys with youth teams (ew), and staying in hotels without functional wifi (meh). REUTERS
  5. Eldense coach arrested on suspicion of match fixing in Spain. Which, real talk, is a more respectable reason for losing a game 12–0 than just being really bad at your job. GUARDIAN

April 3, 2017

  1. Schalke’s mascot shows the referee his own red card. Referee wishes he had red card to show mascot. TWITTER
  2. Bastian Schweinsteiger had the MLS debut he’s had plenty of time to dream about this season. DIRTY TACKLE
  3. The Wenger Wars are in full swing. Literally. During an Arsenal Fan TV taping. TWITTER
  4. Celtic win another title and Kolo the Invincible is dancing the night away. DIRTY TACKLE
  5. Neymar scores his 100th goal for Barca, Luis Enrique hopes for 900 more. Preferably by next week. GOAL

March 29, 2017

  1. The U.S. leaves Panama with a point after a 1–1 draw, which isn’t great considering the coach was averaging six goals a game in qualifiers until last night. ASN
  2. Brazil became the first country to qualify for the 2018 World Cup. New Zealand locked up Oceania’s playoff spot. They will play South America’s fifth-place team. That is currently… BBC
  3. …Argentina, which lost on Tuesday night to Bolivia without Leo Messi. The little guy was sitting out the first match in his four-game suspension for abusing a linesman last Friday. And Argentina could really use him right about now. SI
  4. Didier Drogba has reportedly signed a three-year deal with Phoenix Rising of the USL, which is appropriate since their shirt sponsors have been healthcare providers in three out of the past four seasons. YAHOO
  5. In the ninth tier of English soccer, a player has been banned for going after the fan who spat at him with a knife. That’s a no-no. GUARDIAN

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