Jurgen Klinsmann applies for the Swansea job
December 27, 2016
What if the notable Bob Bradley successor was at it again?
Dear American Swansea owners other than Landon Donovan,
The first part of any breakup is forgiving yourself. You tried with Bob Bradley. You really did. But it didn’t work out, and at least you only kept him around for three months. Others have taken far longer before coming to their senses. Give yourself credit for ripping off the bandaid instead of dithering.
The task of replacing an American coaching titan is a hard one, and few can say they know how to do it. As I told you two months ago, I am uniquely positioned to replace Bob Bradley because I’ve done it before. And look how well it went! We beat Spain once! Wouldn’t it be nice if, for once, the manager who knew how to better Fernando Llorente was on your side? I’m your man.
But let’s be real: It’s all about the accent. I sound like a winning football coach sounds. I say the right things and I say them in the right voice. I will say “away matches”—even when we lose to fierce rivals in crucial “fixtures.” On the off chance we make it far enough in a cup competition to get eliminated in a shootout, I won’t call them “PKs.” When you “sack” me, my “supporters” won’t say I was “fired.” And I will say all of these things with Germanic undertones, which I needn’t tell you is the same accent as the current World Cup winners. I sound like a winner therefore I am a winner.
I also have Premier League experience. Over two stints with Tottenham, I scored more than a goal every other game—a feat that has not seemed imaginable to your little Welsh club in years. But the Premier League isn’t everything. Crucially, I’m sure I can dig up some players in Germany with Welsh uncles thrice-removed. They’ll bring international flair that can make this club world class. And if you think Pep Guardiola is cutting-edge, just wait until you see my post-left-back brand of “football.”
In preparing for this role since the day that you hired Bob Bradley—and begging TV channels to give me gigs commenting on his performance—I have noticed that your youth system seems to have run dry. Good news: I bring my own youth system with me. My sons are very talented and never use social media to comment on personnel decisions. They are every world-class manager’s [read: my] dream. They can be yours. Just hire me for your minutes-old vacancy.
So fire up the chopper, and let’s forget Bob Bradley’s Swan song together.
Oh, and if you’re also looking for a sporting director, I’d gladly fill that role too.
Yours in not liking Bob Bradley,
Jurgen Klinsmann
P.S. If and when I get the job, will I be able to drop Landon Donovan from the ownership group? Just curious.
