Helping you navigate popular tourist destinations

Hello, I am Jose Mourinho. As the best manager in the Premier League, I must travel often. Sometimes to places that I enjoy and sometimes to places that I do not enjoy. Since I am an expert on all of these places, I have decided to write a travel guide so people will know the smartest things to do when they visit. This is incredibly valuable information, but I will give it to you for free because I am generous. Just ask anyone except Luke Shaw.

Liverpool

Other people will say that this is a very exciting place. Many things happening all over. I say it does not have to be. Excitement is overrated. Sometimes it is not enjoyable. If you go to The Beatles Story exhibition and the people working there are happier than you are, it is not enjoyable.

To ensure this does not happen, stand in the doorway of your hotel and don’t move, even when people get angry and ask you to get out of the way. Don’t get out of the way. It does not matter how angry they get, just keep standing there and look at your watch until it’s time to go home. Everyone is angry and there is no chance they are happier than you. Perfect.

Tip: There are some parts of Liverpool where you don’t have to worry about people being happier than you and you can do whatever you want. You will know you are in one of these areas if you see the color blue. Red means stop. Blue means enjoy.

London

I used to live here. When I did, I won many trophies here. I know this city better than anyone. So trust me when I say it is an awful, awful place. East London is fine but anything north or west of Victoria Park is one giant dentist’s office. Stay away if you can. If you must go—if you must—walk into the middle of the street, punch yourself in the face and empty your pockets onto the ground. You are going to have a bad time in these places, so don’t put up a fight. Let it happen. Go, accept defeat, and move on. Don’t bother seeing the Tower Bridge or Big Ben or Arsene Wenger’s Museum of Tear Stained Puffy Coats. Take the loss and focus on planning a more enjoyable trip to a better place like Swansea or Southampton.

Sure, you could have a good time in these parts of London if you try, but you also might try to have a good time and end up having a bad time. This would be terrible. So don’t try.

Manchester

Yes, this is where I live now. I am a hero here for winning three trophies that technically count as a treble. Needless to say, I am an expert on Manchester. Like Liverpool, in some parts of the city you can have a good time and in some parts you can have not a good time. Unlike Liverpool, in Manchester it is the red parts that are places to party and the blue parts that are places to question your will to live. If you somehow get lost and find yourself in a blue part of Manchester, lie down wherever you are and pretend you are asleep—make loud snoring noises like in a cartoon—until everyone else leaves and you can return to safety. The snoring noises are very important. They let the evil bald men of blue Manchester know that you will not play their games and let them enjoy. This will upset them and their misery will make your misery feel almost good.

So that is my travel guide. Follow this advice and you won’t have the best trip every time, but at the end of the year, you will be happy with how things turn out. If not, just go to a new country next year and travel around there for a while.

Follow Brooks on Twitter @BrooksDT.