HomeDirty TackleThe dystopian future in which Xavi is Barcelona manager

The dystopian future in which Xavi is Barcelona manager

December 18, 2014


Xavi recently expressed his desire to follow in Pep Guardiola’s footsteps and become Barcelona manager once his playing career comes to an end. Though this might seem like a natural evolution for the brilliant midfielder who has been with the club since the age of 11, handing this kind of power to someone who so wholeheartedly believes that the Barcelona Way is the One True Path could actually destroy civilization as we know it.

And how would this horror unfold? Behold the prophecy and heed this warning…

As a product of Barcelona’s famous youth academy himself, Xavi’s first act as Barca manager is to urge the club to build hundreds of new academies on every continent with financial backing from the Qatar Investment Authority. This ensures that they will always have first refusal on the best talents and that the children of the world will learn the proper way to play football (as Xavi sees it). He successfully argues that these academies should receive tax exempt status normally reserved for religious organizations and personally writes a new book that outlines the tenets of Barcatology — a system for life and football.

At the first team level, Xavi restores the discipline and ruthlessness that had slipped since Guardiola’s departure. Citing his hatred for teams that “park the bus,” he takes things to a literal extreme and refuses to let Barca travel by bus since it would inevitably have to be parked. Instead, he has the players travel in military tanks purchased from Russia.

The intimidation factor of this new means of transportation is immediately evident, especially when one of the tanks “accidentally” fires a high explosive shell that destroys part of Getafe’s Coliseum Alfonso Perez early in the season. Though no one was hurt, Barcelona are heavily punished for the incident by the LFP. But Xavi arrives at their headquarters in one of the tanks for his appeal and the decision is swiftly reversed.

Before long, the children enrolled in Xavi’s Barcatology Centers fully devote themselves to the “More Than a Club” philosophy. They learn the exact specifications of football pitch moistness and spend endless hours completing thousands of short, quick passes to adhere to the ideals of tiki taka. Those who excel in these areas advance through Barca’s youth system. Those who do not end up working at the centers in other capacities so they can continue to learn Xavi’s teachings and retain the sense of superiority enjoyed by members of the movement.

As the season progresses, the militarized Barca force remains undefeated and maintains 100% possession in every match (opposing teams cede all kick-offs to Barca out of fear and respect), bringing great joy to Xavi. After each victory, he offers the opposing team the opportunity to become an FC Barcelona outpost, requiring them to change their colors and enroll all their players in the nearest Barcatology Center. They all agree to this, with the exception of Real Madrid, who move their operations underground while they attempt to build a resistance group.

Once Spain is conquered, Xavi turns his attention to the rest of Europe. His first target: Chelsea.

Xavi warns that his entire force of child soldiers, Spanish footballers and fans will descend upon Stamford Bridge if they do not turn over Cesc Fabregas, who he considers a political prisoner, so that Cesc no longer has to suffer and can return to the comfort of his rightful throne on Barca’s bench. Though Fabregas has been brainwashed into thinking he’s better off playing well for Chelsea, they wilingly return him and Xavi takes the club by force anyway, citing their “crimes against football.” He makes Jose Mourinho his personal man servant to ensure his nemesis’ supreme misery.

Part of Mourinho’s duties are to test all of Xavi’s food and drink, amidst growing fears that the unseen Real Madrid resistance will try to poison him. When Mourinho points out that Real Madrid might want to poison him even more than Xavi, this job is given to John Terry instead.

Xavi takes all of Europe, having already made quick work of North America thanks to the indoctrination of the academies and MLS commissioner Don Garber’s eagerness to be associated with Barca’s “powerful global brand.”

Rumors of Real Madrid regrouping in Asia circulate, as a mysterious illness begins to decimate the Barca faithful. Xavi becomes reclusive, unable to fight off this unseen counterattack. The Barcatology Centers are abandoned and Xavi’s only remaining ally is Jose Mourinho, who is now also an unlikely friend.

Real Madrid reclaim the Santiago Bernabeu and it is revealed that they resorted to biological warfare, lacing Cristiano Ronaldo’s popular underwear collection with a virus that suppresses the wearer’s desire to pass the ball with an overwhelming urge to spend all day working on their abs. Evidently, when Real Madrid originally retreated, the rivalry between the clubs took a backseat to the comfort and support provided by Ronaldo’s underwear range.

Xavi and Mourinho are said to have offed themselves as the Barca empire crumbled, but their remains are never found. Sightings of the pair span the globe, but are dismissed as nothing more than tabloid nonsense.

Civilization is slowly rebuilt, but football is banned out of fear that something like this could happen again. Ultimate frisbee becomes the world’s most popular sport in its absence and no one ever fully enjoys life again.





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