HomeDirty TackleIf it continued… (Manchester United v Manchester City)

If it continued… (Manchester United v Manchester City)

April 13, 2015


For the first time in five Premier League meetings, increasingly noisy neighbors Manchester United beat their reigning champion rivals Man City. They did it in emphatic fashion, too — winning 4–2 to go four points clear of fourth-place City. It was the type of result that could mark a definitive shift in the two clubs’ fortunes for years come, but what if it continued?

97’ — Falcao, a man who played 71 minutes for Man United’s U-21 team earlier this year, knows he was put on as the final insult to City and, at this point, he accepts that.

99’ — Eliaquim Mangala realizes that Vincent Kompany betting the other Man City defenders who amongst them could have the worst season wasn’t the best possible team building exercise.

101’ — Local sadness icon Morrissey appears and tells Manuel Pellegrini to “cheer up” because “nothing is worth being this down about.”


105’ — Ashley Young scores his second goal of the match, convincing everyone that Louis van Gaal murdered the real Ashley Young and replaced him with a more talented lookalike.

112’ — Juan Mata receives a text from Jose Mourinho commending him on his performance. Mata giddily exclaims that he knew his former boss would appreciate his skills one day, then receives another text from Mourinho explaining that he had the wrong number and that his original message was intended for Chris Smalling.

119’ — Frank Lampard:


124’ — Charlie Brown cancels his dinner plans with Pellegrini later, fearing he’ll be “too much of a buzzkill.”

128’ — Phil Jones maintains a normal human facial expression for a full 15 seconds.

133’ — Angel Di Maria shows everyone the Vine of him scoring a rabona from the corner on the training ground just to remind people that he can do things. Maybe not during a competitive match like Ashley Young, but somewhere.


137’ — Sergio Aguero searches for the spell that will turn his teammates back into young and productive footballers. He tries giving Yaya Toure a birthday cake with only 24 candles on it, but Yaya just gets offended that he got his age wrong and vows never to pass to him again.

138’ — Manager of second-place Arsenal, Arsene Wenger, defiantly promises Man City that he won’t give up his fourth-place title without a fight.

140’ — David Moyes jumps out of Marouane Fellaini’s hair with his arms raised to the sky, expecting some measure of appreciation for the moves he made that are now paying off for Man United. Instead, the match is abandoned and everyone goes home. Moyes hears the deep, tortured sigh of Pellegrini behind him and quietly sneaks away himself.

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