By Sam Patterson

The week’s most absurd soccer moments

Atlético Paranense’s Crysan did some double-duty dumbassery, missing an open goal before blocking a teammate’s follow up attempt. [source: gfycat]

Massadio Haidara saw straight red in Newcastle United’s friendly against the Sacramento Republic for what amounted to misdemeanor battery. [source: Dirty Tackle]

We love a Carli Lloyd goal as much as anyone else, but it’s not exactly as if Nicole Barnhart made her work for it. [PDS]

We could have put in egregious howlers from Mexico-Panama other than Paul Aguilar’s dive, but the pain is still fresh. [source: FootballHD]

There is only one Manuel Neuer, and Molde FK’s Ethan Horvath should have remembered that. [source: streamable]

Yevhen Konoplyanka got a head start on going to ground for Sevilla when he tumbled almost effortlessly at a photo shoot celebrating his recent transfer in. [source: youtube]