A highly accurate representation of watching Manchester United this season
November 26, 2015
See the nothingness? The uncaring empty void? Look at it. It doesn’t move. It just sits there. A goalless existence that cares not for your enjoyment or anything else.
Keep looking at it. Has it moved yet? Of course it hasn’t. At this point, you know it won’t. You have resigned yourself to the hopelessness of knowing that this is all there will be. And yet you keep watching it.
Staring into the darkness for so long has now warped your mind. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re starting to see something happen inside it, but there is nothing. It is only your own thoughts cannibalizing themselves in an attempt to dig out the mental sustenance that you desperately need.
Now even your thoughts have deserted you. You are forced to confront the meaninglessness of an existence that could allow this to go on. How can the universe hate us enough to let this happen on a weekly basis? Is Louis van Gaal the devil? Could the devil himself even be this evil?
You wet yourself 30 minutes ago just to feel something, but now that has dried and you are back to the nothingness. You want to move. You want stop this insanity. You want to live! But you are frozen. Nothing can be this nothing. How can it go on? How can something so expensive yield so much nothing?!
Keep looking at it. Has it been 90 minutes yet? The whistle sounds and now you can stop. You survived it. Colors and sounds and smells and feelings come rushing back to you like tidal wave of sensation. You are alive! You are free! But you know you are only days away from being subjected to this horror void again. You consider becoming a darts fan but you know that would somehow be far worse.