HomeDirty TackleSteven Gerrard tells everyone about LA during his return to training with Liverpool

Steven Gerrard tells everyone about LA during his return to training with Liverpool

November 30, 2015


“This is my ‘modeling jeans in an LL Bean catalog’ pose. Hi, I’m LA’s Steven Gerrard. You may remember me from such Liverpool moments as The Miracle of Istanbul and The Slip That Will Haunt Me Forever.”


Gerrard: Los Angeles is just so tubular. So freaking tubular. When I’m sitting in hours of traffic on the 405, I just think “Wow, this where films like The Hottie & the Nottie were made. And I live in this magical place.” I live in this magical place, broski. Sorry — “mate.” You guys say “mate” here instead of “broski,” right? In La La Land, which is what we call LA, we all say broski, like, all the time.

Sturridge: Steven, you’re from here. You know what we say.

Gerrard: No, I was from here. But once you’ve been in LA for a few months and get on a solid organic juice cleanse, you really feel like you are and always have been a true Angelino.

Sturridge: Right.

Gerrard: Tubular.


“Hey, when we’re done here, do you you guys want to argue about where to get the best tacos for four hours? I love tacos so much, broskis. They’re the best food to incessantly talk about both genuinely and ironically at the same time.”


“You would be perfect for this one part in my new screenplay, Jurgen. Have you ever thought about acting? Or maybe doing song parodies and calling yourself ‘Weird Jurgen’? We should do lunch with my agent. He can get you on the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon is a friend.”


Gerrard: I don’t know how you Brits deal with all this rain. It never rains in LA. The weather is, like, so perfect all the time. I thought I would miss the seasons, but I totally don’t.

Lucas: I’m not British, Steven. I’m from Brazil.

Gerrard: Ugh. I forgot how touchy Europeans are.


“Hey guys, can we just slow things down a little bit? Maybe take a quinoa break? This constant pressing would never work in a real match anyway. Guys? Quinoa? How is Joe Allen still here?!”


“Yeah, Friends isn’t being filmed anymore, but I could definitely get you a spot as an extra in The Expendables 4, Kolo. You’d be absolutely perfect for that project.”

Previously: Steven Gerrard tries to fit in during his first training session with the LA Galaxy





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