Bayern Munich’s elimination from the Champions League semifinals by Atletico Madrid ensures that Pep Guardiola will not win a European title for the German club before he joins Man City next season. Though Guardiola has won five other trophies in his three seasons with Bayern, this comes as a terrible disappointment to him. Thankfully, his fellow managers have reached out to him with their comforting words.
Jose Mourinho: “Oh, Pepperpot. I know how it feels to go out in the Champions League semifinals four years in a row. But I also know how it feels to win the Champions League with two different clubs. And that means I’m still better than you. See you in Manchester. (Even if I am not with Man United next season, I will still be there just to throw things at you.)”
Diego Simeone: “Be thankful I let you escape with your life.”
Luis Enrique: “At least you made it to the semifinals ”
Sir Alex Ferguson: “Should’ve never left Barcelona. Should’ve never joined City. You need to start making better decisions. And you can do that by tearing up your new contract, coming to Man United, and saving us from Van Gaal and Mourinho. Please. I’m prepared to beg.”
Louis van Gaal: It’s OK, Pep. I didn’t win the Champions League with Bayern, either. But I did show the players my testicles. Perhaps you should have tried that.”
Jupp Heynckes: “Wow. It’s a good thing Bayern pushed out the guy who turned a third-place team that hadn’t won the Champions League since 2001 into a treble winner in just two years so they could make room for a guy who couldn’t win the Champions League with a Champions League winning team. Anyway, I’ve attached a fun picture that I hope will be forever burned into your memory.”
Carlo Ancelotti: “I was sorry to see you go out, but I must say that I do appreciate you not setting the bar impossibly high for me. I’d probably have to rethink taking this job if you won the treble in your last season. I mean, what kind of idiot would follow that? Hahaha! Oh wait…”