Christian Pulisic is a divine being and the end times are upon us
September 7, 2016
Christian Pulisic became the youngest American to start a World Cup qualifier in the U.S.’s 4–0 win over Trinidad and Tobago. The 17-year-old played the entire match and instead of scoring the fourth goal of his budding international career, he hit both posts with a single shot.
From any other player, this would be nothing more than a curious anomaly. But from Pulisic, it is a clear sign that he possess supernatural powers and that the end times, which can only be brought on by the existence of a truly great American footballer who can withstand a level of hype and expectation that cripples mere mortals, are now upon us.
Pulisic is perfect in every way. The universe plotted to begin his existence in Hershey, Pennsylvania — a town known for creating mouth-watering confections that now seem like edible garbage compared to the sweetness of Pulisic’s incredible skills. He scored two Bundesliga goals for Borussia Dortmund last season, which is two more than U.S. all-time leading scorer Landon Donovan did with Bayer Leverkusen and Bayern Munich combined. He is also one inch taller than flawed footballing great Lionel Messi, symbolizing his predestined superiority.
For years now, the United States has incessantly wondered when it would have the footballing icon it thought it deserved. There were many players who were sacrificed in the search for this exceptional being, but now, after fine performances against formidable powers like Bolivia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, and Trinidad and Tobago, it’s certain that Pulisic is capable of winning a World Cup for the U.S. — regardless of who plays around him or coaches him. And when that happens, the universe will eat itself, since speculation as to when the U.S. will win a World Cup is the only thing keeping it moving forward.
So make the most of the time we have left, because the only certainty in life is that 17-year-old Christian Pulisic is an infallible, indestructible deity hellbent on destroying all that has ever existed with his limitless brilliance come the 2018 World Cup.
It is foretold.