In a match that was treated like a cross between a Champions League final and a UFC event, but was actually just the first scoop of what will inevitably be too much ice cream, Pep Guardiola’s Man City beat Jose Mourinho’s Man United 2–1 in their first Manchester derby against one another at Old Trafford. Though Man United threatened to equalize after falling behind by two goals in the first half, City held on to leave Mourinho with just one win in his last 10 matches against Guardiola. This is only the beginning, but still we must ask, “What if it continued?”
97’ — Paul Pogba finally admits that he got some hair dye in his eyes before the match and has been playing blind this entire time.
101’ — Mourinho and Guardiola glance at each other at exactly the same time. They both quickly look away.
105’ — Man United’s physios rush out to give Wayne Rooney CPR, but he stops them and says he’s fine. They ask if he’s sure. He says he is. They ask if he’s really, really sure. He says he is. They check his pulse just to confirm that he has one, then they apologize for bothering him and let him resume doing whatever it is he was doing on the pitch before their interruption.
112’ — Man City staff strongly consider harvesting Sergio Aguero for parts should Kevin De Bruyne need them after the midfielder came off with an injury in the 90th minute.
117’ — Mourinho and Guardiola make eye contact as voices from the press box shout “You hate each other!” and “Do something!” Guardiola waves shyly. Mourinho shrugs. Guardiola smiles and turns his attention back to the pitch.
120’ — After coming on for an ineffective Henrikh Mkhitaryan at halftime, Marcus Rashford mumbles that Man United would be winning if he was playing against City by himself. Somehow able to hear him, Kelechi Iheanacho mumbles back, “Not if I was still out there.”
124’ — Watching from Italy, Joe Hart chalks Man City new boy Claudio Bravo’s mistakes up to not yelling inspirational gibberish in the tunnel before the match.
129’ — Juan Mata quietly accepts his return to a life of staring at the back of Jose Mourinho’s head during matches.
133’ — Marouane Fellaini finds the tooth he knocked out of Aleksandar Kolarov’s head earlier in the match and carefully places it in his hair with all the other teeth he’s knocked out of people’s heads.
Trip to the dentist on Monday, Aleks? 🤕
— Manchester City (@ManCity) September 10, 2016
136’ — A marine animal rescue group mistakes Rooney for a beached whale and attempts to push him back into the sea, but he stops them and says he’s a footballer. They ask if he’s sure. He says he is. They ask if he’s really, really sure. He says he is. They check him for a dorsal fin just to be sure he doesn’t have one, then they apologize for bothering him and let him resume doing whatever it is he was doing on the pitch before their interruption.
138’ — Zlatan asks himself for forgiveness after taking his own name in vain as yet another loss to sworn enemy Pep Guardiola seems inevitable. He gives himself 10 Hail Zlatans as penance.
140’ — The match is abandoned when Mourinho and Guardiola refuse to make use of the medieval weapons thrown to them by members of the press. It’s decided that if the football isn’t going make them fight each other, there isn’t a point in continuing.