HomeStoriesWhat if Don Garber commissioned his own promotion and relegation report?

What if Don Garber commissioned his own promotion and relegation report?

November 21, 2016

There’s nothing more American than competing management consultants

Everyone’s entitled to their own facts. [Image via Internet Archives / Flickr]

Dear Mr. Garber,

I am pleased to present to you the report on promotion and relegation that Major League Soccer commissioned this morning in order to take a more nuanced look at the subject than those hacks over at Deloitte were able to manage. Our findings are below.

Executive Summary

Promotion and relegation is bad. Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Imagine Godzilla storming over a Japanese city. Now change Godzilla’s name to Pro/Rel and the name of that city to “American Soccer.” Multiply the devastation by 10 and you have a decent picture of what Pro/Rel would do to this country’s soccer ecosystem. Frankly, we were tempted to stop this report here and just call it a day because the merits of our argument are so obvious, but you offered to pay us by the hour, so let’s get to the charts!

We talked to some fans—a non-negligible portion of whom were named Sunil and Don—and here’s what they told us:

That should answer your questions, but, again, you offered to pay by the hour, so here is a map:

And, because my kids will be going to college soon and tuition is a motherfucker, here’s a powerpoint slide:

And here’s a gif of Xabi Alonso with a bulldog:

In conclusion, we are as surprised as you are to learn that, after a very open-minded, data-centric and independent investigation, Pro/Rel would lead to a series of detrimental outcomes and should most definitely not be allowed at any time whatsoever. Who could have seen this coming? Please find attached our bill for consulting services and send payment to our accounting office located at the João Havelange Centre of Excellence in Trinidad.

Yours in Monopsony,

David Rudin

Howler Consulting Services





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