If it continued… (Barcelona v PSG)
March 9, 2017
Building on something that couldn’t get any better
Barcelona pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time, beating PSG 6–1 in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie to overcome a 4–0 death sentence in the first leg and advance on an aggregate score of 6–5. Neymar scored twice in the final minutes to set up Sergi Roberto’s deciding goal in the fifth minute of added time. Even for a club accustomed to creating magic on the pitch like Barcelona, it was a truly incredible feat that may never be topped, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”
97’—PSG’s Layvin Kurzawa suddenly regrets scoring an own goal in the 40th minute just for the hell of it.
101’—One of Neymar’s critics turns to a friend and says, “I mean, if he really was great he would’ve completed the hat trick…”
102’—Neymar completes his hat trick. The aforementioned critic shakes his head and says, “Of course he does it now that they’re already winning. So overrated.”
109’—Luis Enrique hopes this is enough to make everyone forget when he “accidentally” announced that he’s leaving the club the other day.
114’—Every deity from Zeus to the Flying Spaghetti Monster descends from the heavens, not only proving their existence to skeptics but revealing themselves to be Barcelona fans willing to do anything to please their beloved equal, Andres Iniesta.
115’—Barca fans are so happy that they forget to jeer Andre Gomes.
117’—Luis Suarez dives in the box. As he writhes in supposed pain, Gerard Pique whispers “We’re winning now, you don’t have to do that anymore.” Suarez nods and apologizes to everyone around him for the confusion.
120’—Frustrated by this turn of events, PSG’s owners, the Qatar Investment Authority, announce that all 2022 World Cup stadium projects will be converted into the world’s largest Jamba Juice locations.
125’—The Spanish government launches a criminal investigation into Barcelona, citing the club’s comeback as a strange new method of committing tax fraud.
131’—Liverpool congratulate Barca on providing them with an opportunity to remind everyone of the time they came back from 3–0 down against Milan, which was in the Champions League final, unlike this, which is merely the round of 16.
136’—The PSG players hold a seance in the middle of the pitch to try and summon Zlatan back to save them.
140’—Leo Messi wonders if he’s dreaming, but decides that this must be real life since everything around him isn’t made out of Lego pieces and it’s not raining ice cream.
142’—Pique humps the goalpost.
143’—Inspired by Barcelona’s achievement of the impossible, NASA lands a human beings on Mars after just 10 minutes of formal preparation.
144’—The polar ice caps spontaneously regenerate.
145’—The true meaning of life is discovered.
146’—World peace is achieved.
147’—The match is abandoned when PSG evaporate into a mist of previously unthinkable embarrassment.