Like some sort of violent tropical storm, 21-year-old Harry Kane is an unstoppable force of nature that is superior to humanity in every way. If his 29 goals in 43 appearances for Spurs this season left anyone unconvinced, Kane proved his omnipotence by scoring just 80 seconds into his England debut.
Many fans and pundits wanted Kane to start England’s Euro 2016 qualifier against Lithuania, but Roy Hodgson opted to go with Wayne Rooney and Danny Welbeck up front. This proved to be no big deal for Kane.
Here’s how their pre-match conversation probably went:
Hodgson: Wayne and Danny are starting. I’m sorry, Harry, but I’m afraid you’ll be on the bench.
Kane: That’s OK. All I need is 80 seconds to score my first international goal. I can save my first international hat trick for the next game. And every match after that.
Hodgson: I want to have your babies.
So Kane entered the match in the 71st minute, scored almost immediately, and England won 4–0. For the sake of comparison, an 18-year-old Lionel Messi was sent off two minutes into his international debut.
Kane scoring his first time out was something people joked about before the match, but for Harry Kane there is no line between fact and fantasy. Existence for him is merely one continuous orgy of success.
And before you think it — he lost to Chelsea in the Capital One Cup final because the Capital One Cup is beneath him. He took pity upon Jose Mourinho and let him have it, for Harry Kane is a benevolent deity who only reserves the biggest prizes for himself, allowing others feast on his leftovers.
The question isn’t if he’ll win a World Cup for England, but how many and will he even wait to do it in a World Cup year? Probably not. Human constructs like the FIFA calendar hold no meaning to the superior being that is Harry Kane.
He will never do anything wrong, on or off the pitch. And if it seems as if he does at some point, it’s only because you were actually asleep and dreaming of some absurd opposite land or that Harry Kane works in mysterious ways beyond our mortal understanding. Doubt him and you condemn your soul to eternal damnation. And endless mockery from his rapidly growing flock of true believers.
Given his standing high above all other creatures in the known universe, the only way to show Kane the proper respect is to hold him to an impossible standard — at least, one that would be impossible for anyone else to live up to. We must hoist upon him the pressure of 1,000 Star Wars sequels and expectations more limitless than the amount of money Real Madrid will surely pay for him this summer. Anything less would show a lack of desire for the wonderful gifts Harry Kane has to offer.
Though he is still only 21 years old and has yet to complete his first full Premier League season, is clearly the one who possesses the absolute perfection that football fans around the world have always demanded.
Rejoice, brothers and sisters! The coming is now!