The inner thoughts of Cristiano Ronaldo as he scored five goals in one match for the first time

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Cristiano Ronaldo scored five goals in a single match for the first time in his career to help Real Madrid to a 9–1 win against Granada. His first three all came within a span of just eight minutes and from there it only got better.

These are the inner thoughts of Cristiano Ronaldo as he enjoyed his most prolific day…

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1st goal (30th minute)

YES! An equalizer! Gareth Bale 1–1 Cristiano.

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2nd goal (36th minute)

I am projectile vomiting awesomeness all over everyone and nothing will ever make me stop! It is such an honor to breathe the same air as myself!

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3rd goal (38th minute)

I can’t close my mouth! I must be possessed by the spirit of Harry Kane! This is how I stand while urinating!

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4th goal (54th minute)

Maybe now Cristiano Jr. will prefer to watch my highlights instead of Messi’s without me having to tell him that Leo steals children’s teeth so he can eat more candy than them. Real Madrid 2–4 Cristiano.

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5th goal (89th minute)

FIVE! I have finally achieved my dream of scoring as many times in 90 minutes on the pitch as I have in 90 minutes off it! All the statues of me must be so proud of me right now.