It’s just another great day at FIFA headquarters and no one is terrified

https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/474833802

Hello. I am FIFA director of communications Walter de Gregorio and I am here to tell you that I am very tired and everything is super cool. Yes, the United States Department of Justice and Swiss officials are conducting two separate, but coordinated investigations that resulted in early morning raids which saw FIFA officials being taken from their luxury hotel rooms in Zurich and processed for extradition while documents related to the allocation of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups were seized at FIFA headquarters, but this is all good for FIFA. All. Good. In the hood.

Look at my face. Is this not the face of a man who was woken up incredibly early this morning without any prior warning to a bunch of good news? Can you not feel my inner joy permeate your soul with the warm knowledge that all is well at FIFA? Sure I’m tired and sure, having nine FIFA officials, including three current Executive Committee members, indicted two days before our presidential election is a slight inconvenience, but everything is totally fine.

Since he wasn’t one of the men indicted, Sepp Blatter is uber relaxed right now. He definitely hasn’t barricaded himself in his office while he shreds documents with one hand and holds a live grenade in the other. In fact, he’s probably just casually shredding documents while a live grenade sits on his desk, well within reach, should any law enforcement personnel somehow break down his reinforced steel door that can withstand a direct nuclear blast. You know, his usual Wednesday morning routine.

Excuse me, I’m just going to rest my eyes for a moment…

https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/474834640

And I’m back. That’s how calm, cool, and collected we’re feeling about the U.S. alleging 24 years of “fraud, bribery, and money laundering” adding up to over $150 million in bribes and kickbacks. I can just sit here, close my eyes, and think about how not upset I am about all of this. If anything, this feels like taking a giant poop after being constipated since 1991. Again, this is good for FIFA. Cleaning out the pipes so the endless flow of excrement travels through the system better in the future.

Oh, and despite these investigations, nothing has changed with the 2018 World Cup in Russia or the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. So rest easy on that and maybe stop harassing our sponsors about it, too. Did I mention that I didn’t even have time to eat a bowl a cereal this morning? Look at my hair. That’s probably the worst bed head I’ve ever had. But it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Anyway, with all this talk of indictments and corruption and whether Sepp Blatter has or has not already gone into hiding and changed his identity, everyone is missing a beautiful day outside. Blue sky, fluffly clouds. And look — a bird!

https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/474828340

*Runs away*

Official FIFA statement on the morning’s events can be read here and Sepp Blatter’s statement is here