Wayne Rooney has gotten off to a horrid start to the season, failing to score in Man United’s first three matches and even struggling to get a shot on target. He was virtually invisible during the club’s 3–1 Champions League playoff win against Brugge and was substituted in the 84th minute for Marouane Fellaini, who scored in added time.
After the match, Louis van Gaal gave his assessment of his captain (via ESPN FC):
“He had a shot on target, so I’m happy.”
“He managed to eat all his vegetables at dinner, so I’m happy.”
“He put his shirt on the correct way, so I’m happy.”
“He remembered to flush the dressing room toilet after using it, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t choke on his own saliva, so I’m happy.”
“He didn’t cause a tear in the space-time continuum, dumping us all into an alternate 2015, so I’m happy.”
If this is all it takes for the club’s star striker to satisfy Van Gaal, then why didn’t they keep Falcao?