The Champions League round of 16 draw was boring and put PSG with Chelsea again, so I will provide my expert Zlanalysis of the Euro 2016 draw instead.
Every time there is a draw for a major tournament, there is only one thing people want to talk about: which group is the most difficult. There is even a name given to the group that is the toughest and most feared. But now this group has a new name. The Group of Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: France have won the last two major tournaments they have hosted and with this group, they will have a good chance to make it three in a row if their players can just stop blackmailing each other for the next few months. There were qualifying groups more difficult than this.
As France’s greatest football icon who has never headbutted someone in a World Cup final (only because I haven’t played in one yet), I will be happy lead the parade for them if they win. Because having Zlatan in your parade is far greater than having a stupid trophy that isn’t a blackbelt in taekwondo.
Group of Zlatan rating: Not the Group of Zlatan. Contains only nations that are inspired by Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: With the expansion from 16 teams to 24 and four of the six third-place finishers advancing to the knockout stage, it will be interesting to see how England manage to get eliminated in the group stage, especially after winning all of their qualifiers. Russia and Slovakia will be underestimated, but could come out of the group smelling nice. Like my cologne. Which makes a great holiday gift.
Wales can only hope that Rafa Benitez doesn’t completely ruin Gareth Bale between now and June.
Group of Zlatan rating: Not the Group of Zlatan. Contains teams of passing interest to Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: Germany have not been impressive since they won the World Cup. The reality of what they did to Brazil must have finally set in and the guilt of it probably keeps them up at night. Poland beat them once in qualifying and with Robert Lewandowski, a.k.a. Polish Zlatan, they could do it again.
Group of Zlatan rating: Not the Group of Zlatan. Contains some entertainment for Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: There is quality from top to bottom in this group. It will be difficult. Many have said it will be the most difficult. But it is missing one key Zlelement to being the true Group of Zlatan: James Milner. Haha just kidding. It’s Zlatan. It’s missing Zlatan.
Group of Zlatan rating: Not the Group of Zlatan. Contains no Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: This is it. More dangerous than a pit of lions infuriated by scientists who mocked them for not being able to read. More formidable than a robot with a drinking problem. The number one team in the world. The 2012 finalists. A group of men who have to be around Roy Keane on a regular basis. And Zlatan’s team. Zlweden.
I’ve already retired Denmark. Now I will retire the rest of Europe. I don’t know how the system will handle everyone claiming their pensions at the same time, but that’s not my problem.
Group of Zlatan rating: Yes, this is the Group of Zlatan. It is sufficiently filled with Zlatan.
Zlatan Zlays: We have already identified the Group of Zlatan. There is no reason to continue with this Zlexercise.
Group of Zlatan rating: I will not dignify this with a response.