Even though I was forced to sit right next to you and could not avoid congratulating you at the Ballon d’Or gala, I wanted to write to you once again and share the deeper thoughts that you wouldn’t have been able to hear over the stunned gasps of disapproval that filled the room after your name was read.
First of all, congratulations on wearing a proper suit. I assume that seeing what I wore on stage the last two years finally made you realize what an adult person is supposed to wear to a formal event. So you’re welcome for that.
Most of all, I must congratulate you for winning this award for the fifth time. You have an undeniable talent for winning the Ballon d’Or when others are more deserving. And by “others” I mean me.
Yes, Barcelona won every title last year, but this is an individual award, so it should honor individual achievement. I was the top scorer in Europe last year. I have the most social media followers and my own brand that sells underwear, shirts, and shoes. A documentary was made about me. I even came very close to breaking the record for most selfies taken in three minutes. Just because you play for a team that has the third and fourth best players in the world to help you win trophies and I have to carry the fifth and sixth best players in the world does not prove you are better than me.
At the international level, we both won the same number of Copa America titles last year, so we’re even there. In fact, the only thing I can think of that you did better than me all year was repeatedly vomit on the pitch. So if they’re giving Ballons d’Or for that now, fine, I can vomit on the pitch too. I’ll start eating fettuccine alfredo before every match. No problem.
Anyway, once more, congratulations, Leo. I truly have no hard feelings about you winning this award because I know I will soon have the opportunity to buy it at auction after the Spanish government seizes all of your possessions for not paying your taxes.
Found, CEO, and Muse of CR7 Industries
P.S. While you were on stage accepting the award, it gave me a chance to continue charming your girlfriend without you staring at me and picking your earwax in between us.
P.P.S. I have adopted your oldest son and renamed him Cristiano III. He says I have better abs than you.