Jurgen Klopp’s hugs do not have healing powers after all


Back in November, we here at Dirty Tackle, your foremost source for serious and deeply researched journalism, reported that Jurgen Klopp was rejuvenating Liverpool with his powerful hugs. We now accept that this assertion could not have been more wrong and we regret the error.

In truth, Jurgen Klopp is sucking the life out of his players one hug at a time and, as a result, they are falling apart.

In short, someone must stop Klopp before he literally hugs his players to death. Of course, some have blamed Klopp’s gegenpressing tactics for the sudden outbreak of injuries, especially since so many are hamstrings. But this is categorically false. He is squeezing them so tight that their hamstrings eventually snap. These embraces presumably fill him with some sort of demonic strength that will soon make him unstoppable.