Future News: UEFA hires extra security to handle Zidane and Simeone at Champions League final

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With the 2016 Champions League final now set to be a rematch of the 2014 final between Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid, UEFA has announced plans to employ an unprecedented level of security at the match in order to protect everyone from managers Zinedine Zidane and Diego Simeone.

“The managers of both these clubs are well known for their fiery tempers and their tendencies to lose control in major cup finals, so we feel it’s necessary to significantly increase our security presence for this match,” said a UEFA spokesman. “We will have tanks, soldiers in special headbutt resistant armor, and snipers prepared to fire elephant tranquilizers if either one of them steps outside their designated technical area. That said, everyone who attends the final does so at their own risk. We cannot guarantee anyone’s safety.”

UEFA cited Zidane’s infamous headbutt in the 2006 World Cup final and Simeone’s fight with Raphael Varane at the 2014 Champions League final as the primary reasons for their concern ahead of the Milan showdown. And other participants in this year’s decisive match are grateful for their proactive approach.

“Safety is very important to me and I’m glad that it is for UEFA, too,” said Real Madrid defender Pepe. “There’s no place for violence from managers in this game. Only players. Who are me.”

Should the added precautionary measures fail, the Italian government has agreed to quarantine the city of Milan until Zidane and Simeone tire themselves out or achieve a tearful realization that they are the only ones who truly understand each other.