It was going so well for England. They played a brilliant and uncharacteristically dynamic first half in their Euro 2016 opener and in the 73rd minute, Eric Dier shocked everyone with a tremendous free kick to break the deadlock.
With Russia looking like the decidedly average side that they are, England looked set to begin their Euros campaign with a win for the first time ever. But — oh shit, is that Mick Jagger in the stands?
Yes, that’s Mick Jagger, the World Cup Angel of Doom himself, wearing an England cap.
If you somehow don’t remember, the Rolling Stones lead singer developed a reputation as a human curse at the last two World Cups since every team he supported suffered for it, culminating in Brazil’s horrific 7–1 loss to Germany.
But as his powers for footballing destruction grow stronger, so does his unquenchable thirst for pain. We can only assume that this is what brought him to attend Euro 2016. He felt the need to wreak havoc more than just every four years.
When Dier scored, Jagger celebrated like the rest of the England fans in Marseille, as if mocking them and the inevitable misfortune he would cast down upon their team.
Then, in the second minute of injury time, Vasili Berezutski scored a shocking equalizer to crush England’s hopes of a perfect start and turn an encouraging performance into a disheartening result. Jagger acted as if he was somehow surprised by this development, which was entirely his fault.
If the Football Association is smart, they’ll petition France and UEFA to ban Jagger from attending anymore matches in this tournament. Walking away from being plagued by his support with just a draw is extremely fortunate and perhaps shows that his dark powers aren’t as effective in regional competitions as they are at the World Cup, but it’s early and he could be saving his worst for a more important moment.
So if you were wondering how England could possibly squander their lead, the presence of Mick Jagger is the definitive answer. There were suggestions that manager Roy Hodgson was to blame, or maybe the number of Spurs players in the squad, but no. It’s Mick Jagger. It’s always Mick Jagger.