Hi. It’s Leo (Messi). How are you? I am fine.
I know our relationship hasn’t been at its strongest over the last couple years. Every time I see you, I tell you things like “I hope you step on a thousand Lego pieces” or “Your face looks like a misshapen Lego” or “I hope you get banned from every Legoland in the world for the rest of your life.” I’m sorry about that. Just as I’m sure that you are sorry that you ruined both the last World Cup and Copa America finals for us and all of Argentina.
But let’s not focus on how you turned two of my worst nightmares that don’t involve zombie clowns pulling me under my bed into a world without sweets into a horrible reality. Let’s focus on happy things. Like the wonderful season you had for Napoli — 36 goals! Wow! That’s more league goals than I scored this season! Congratulations. It’s funny how you never miss with your club, but in cup finals, with major international trophies on the line that would finally get the entire nation off my back, you can’t even finish a simple tap-in or penalty. It’s so funny that I’m laughing and crying tears that make my soul hurt at the same time. It’s so painful, Gonzalo. It’s so painful.
I really don’t want this to be negative, though. This is about the positives that will bring us together and help us achieve what we both want more than anything else in the whole world! I mean, you do want to win trophies for Argentina and finally stop my birth nation from cursing my name and making my whole family sad, right? Sometimes it’s difficult to tell. For example: during the 2014 World Cup final and the 2015 Copa America final. So please reply to this letter by writing “I, Gonzalo ‘The Destroyer of Dreams’ Higuain, am not deliberately sabotaging Argentina’s efforts to win trophies in order to make Leo’s family sad” and then have it notarized and personally give it to me in the dressing room.
Oh no! I think this letter is going in an unintended direction again. Why does that keep happening? OK, here’s the good news: this special Copa America to celebrate the tournament’s 100th anniversary gives us a third consecutive chance to get things right. The third time’s the charm! It has to be.
So, Gonzalo, my dear friend who I try very hard to not think is evil, I will happily forget the past if you just keep doing what you’ve been doing all season and score goals for your team at Copa America Centenario. And if we reach the final again, score goals there too. Do. Not. Miss.
I am writing this while on my knees, Gonzalo. Please don’t do this to us again. I have this tax trial going on, Real Madrid just won the Champions League again, Dani Alves is leaving Barcelona, and I just found out that the Lego Movie Sequel isn’t coming out until 2018. 2018, Gonzalo! I need this! We need this. Please.
That’s it. That’s all I can say. It’s up to you now. If we finally win together, I will hug you and we will be brothers forever. If we do not win, and it is again your fault, I will still hug you, Gonzalo. But it will be a lot shorter and I will only consider us distant cousins who never speak but still feel like they can’t ever unfriend each other on Facebook.