The Premier League season begins this weekend and that means you’re probably creating a fantasy Premier League team for reasons you can’t fully explain. Despite being a decidedly unimportant endeavor, the act of putting a fantasy squad together
The Arsene Wenger strategy: Don’t buy any players, keeping all of your cash safely in the bank, then make snide comments about the players your opponents spent a lot on throughout the season.
The Hull City strategy: Don’t buy anyone and prepare to play fantasy Championship next season.
The Jose Mourinho strategy: Keep Juan Mata on your bench for a while and then kick him off your team.
The Chelsea strategy: Mostly rely on the players who profoundly disappointed you last season.
The Leicester strategy: Use a bunch of Leicester players and hope they can have the season of their lives again. Also, a eat a pizza every time they keep a clean sheet.
The Liverpool strategy: Constantly talk about how great Jurgen Klopp is and hope no one notices how underwhelming your team is.
The David Moyes strategy: Build your team around Marouane Fellaini.
The Alan Pardew strategy: Do a strange dance in public when one of your players scores.
The Man City strategy: Have Fabian Delph for some reason.
The Middlesbrough strategy: Sign recognizable yet underwhelming names.
The Bournemouth/Dirty Tackle strategy: Have Artur Boruc, Lord of the Dance.
The Stoke City strategy: Have at least one former Barcelona player just because he’s a former Barcelona player.
The Burnley strategy: Pray.
Using a a combination of these approaches produces a team like this:
And the thing that makes this a true Arsene Wenger team:
All that sweet cash in the bank.
If you’d like to see how your team compares to this abomination, join the DT league: In It ’Til October (code: 85384–35001). We will declare a winner at the end of October (because managing a fantasy team for an entire season is impossible) and maybe have a prize for whoever that is.