Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s incredible comeback against Liverpool

A passionate perspective on an emotional 4–3 win


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR WIN OVER LIVERPOOL IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I CONCEDED TWO GOALS IN A SPAN OF TWO MINUTES—THIS WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCEDING ONE GOAL IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A CANOE FULL OF ANAL BLEACH BUT TO THEN CONCEDE ANOTHER SO SOON BECAUSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER IF I ACTUALLY BURIED LANDMINES IN THE GOALMOUTH OR IF THAT WAS JUST AN EXCEPTIONALLY REALISTIC DREAM I HAD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE I DID BURY LANDMINES AND I JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY MY LANDMINE GUY!!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN CONCEDING TWO GOALS IN TWO MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME FLEEING LANDMINES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. CONCEDING A THIRD GOAL IN THE 64TH MINUTE—WE HAD JUST STARTED OUR COMEBACK WHEN EMRE CAN FIRED A LASERBALL INTO THE TOP CORNER LIKE SOME KIND OF HUMAN LASERBALL CANNON WHICH IS A THING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEITHER SHOULD THAT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! HUMANS CANNOT BE LASERBALL CANNONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A RULE OF THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SEE YOU IN SPACE JAIL EMRE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JURGEN KLOPP: SECRET AGENT OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY—THE KERNELED MENACE HAS WRAPPED ITS DASTARDLY STALKS AROUND MANY OF THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL FIGURES AND JURGEN KLOPP IS NO EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!! THE MAN IS CLEARLY IN THE THROES OF CORN HYSTERIA AND HE IS A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE GESTICULATES ON THE TOUCHLINE AND HUGS HIS PLAYERS AS IF HE’S TRYING TO POP THEM OUT OF REVENGE FOR ALL THE CORN MANKIND HAS POPPED OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!! WE MUST BE VIGILANT TO STOP THE CORN FROM DROWNING US IN BUTTER AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.whatahowler.com/artur-boruc-is-workout-dancing-and-you-cant-handle-it-e3b731f6014e

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS BEEN PESTERING ME TO GET MATCH TICKETS FOR HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ALL SEASON AND THIS WAS THE DAY I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME THEY KEPT SHOUTING “WE BELIEVE IN YOU ARTUR” AND “YOU’LL SAVE THE NEXT ONE ARTUR” EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME THEY ASK ME FOR TICKETS I’M GOING TO SAY I DONATED THEM ALL TO A YOUTH CHARITY EXCEPT I’M GOING TO SAY IT IN A WAY SO THEY KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DRINK DIET PAINT THINNER THAN SEE THEIR GOOBER FACES AT VITALITY STADIUM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY WERE ALL CHEWING THEIR FOOD WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISTRACTING!!!!!!!! WHO CHEWS A HOT DOG 437 TIMES?!?!?!?!?!

5. ROBERTO FIRMINO’S HAIR—IT LOOKS LIKE A SCALP ERECTION AND IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE THAT THING BOUNCE AROUND THE PITCH AS IF IT WAS WASHED WITH VIAGRA SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS A FAMILY SPORT!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLATFORM FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE AND HATE FILLED COMPETITION NOT LEWD HAIRDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THERE NOT LAWS AGAINST PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF HAIR PENISES?!?!?!?!?!!

6. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY—THIS IS THE START OF THE THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY ANGRY AND NOT EMBARRASSED GRIZZLY BEAR ANGRY!!!!!!!! GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RYAN FRASER AND STEVE COOK SCORING TWICE IN TWO MINUTES—WHEN MY TEAMMATES DID THIS TO MAKE IT 3–3 LATE IN THE GAME I REALIZED THAT THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HOW LIVERPOOL FELT WHEN THEY DID THE SAME THING IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS BROUGHT ON A CONFUSING MIX OF EMOTIONS THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE SEEING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVES AND FEELING A CONNECTION WITH ALL OF HUMANITY THAT SUPERSEDES OUR ARTIFICIAL DIVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. NATHAN AKE’S 93RD MINUTE WINNER—THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THE RUSH OF JUBILATION THIS GOAL MADE ME FEEL!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CELEBRATING WITH AN OPEN MOUTH FULL OF HALF CHEWED HOT DOG COULD RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JURGEN KLOPP!!!!!! TAKE THAT CORN!!!!!! TAKE THAT ROBERTO FIRMINO’S THROBBING HAIR PENIS!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE DEFEATED BY THE POWER OF BOURNEMOUTH AND THE ALL KNOWING GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY ROBOT THAT PRESUMABLY FEEDS ON LABRADOODLE PUPPIES IN ITS SPARE TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!