Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s violent draw with Man United

A passionate perspective on a controversial match

(Premier League)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR DRAW WITH MAN UNITED IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. TYRONE MINGS STOMPING ON ZLATAN’S HEAD—BEFORE EVERY MATCH I TRY TO PUMP UP MY TEAMMATES BY SHOUTING “LET’S STOMP SOME HEADS!!!!!!!!!!” I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW THAT I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH NOW THAT TYRONE MINGS HAS ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT I WOULD PROBABLY BE FOUND LIABLE IN A COURT OF LAW AND NOW I’LL HAVE TO HAND OUT A WRITTEN DISCLAIMER EVERY TIME I SAY IT IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANKS TYRONE!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN THAT AS SARCASTICALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN ELBOWING MINGS IN THE HEAD—I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASSAULT MY TEAMMATES BUT I’M ALSO A BIG ADVOCATE FOR REVENGE SO I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! ZLATAN LATER SAID THAT TYRONE “JUMPED INTO MY ELBOW” AND THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO!!!!!!!!!! I’VE HAD MANY THINGS JUMP INTO MY ELBOW OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!! MAINLY BEARS AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I’M BANNED FROM EVERY ZOO ON MAINLAND EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JOSE MOURINHO SAYING THINGS TO TYRONE MINGS—MOURINHO WAS SO DETERMINED TO STICK HIS BEAK INTO THE WAR BETWEEN TYRONE AND ZLATAN THAT HE BUMPED INTO ME IN THE TUNNEL AND DIDN’T EVEN SAY “EXCUSE ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH INSTEAD OF “THE SPECIAL ONE” HE SHOULD BE CALLED “THE ESPECIALLY RUDE ONE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY NOT TO BLEED OUT FROM MY CUTTING WIT MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT THIS CARPET AND IT WAS ON SALE SO I CAN’T RETURN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—BEFORE THE MATCH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME IF I COULD GET HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JUAN MATA!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WOULD TRY BUT ONLY BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT MATA IS AN ELF FROM THE NORTH POLE AND I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO INVESTIGATE HIS MAGICAL PRESENCE MORE CLOSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD I BUMPED INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I SAID “EXCUSE ME” BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL LIKE MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY WE STARTED TALKING AND I ASKED HIM IF HE HAS A SPECIAL POUCH FOR HIS MAGIC DUST OR IF HE JUST KEEPS IT IN A SOCK OR SOMETHING AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN HE SHOOK MY HAND!!!!!!!! I’M CONVINCED THAT HE DID SOME KIND OF ELFISH MIND TRICK ON ME BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN MY HOUSE DRENCHED IN PAINT THINNER AND THERE WAS BROKEN GLASS IN EVEN MORE PLACES THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT DAY DAN ASKED ME IF I GOT THE AUTOGRAPH AND I SAID “NO DAN I’M SORRY BUT I’LL GET IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!” EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER AND THAT’S WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANY AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!

5. PHIL JONES’ WEIRD FACE—PHIL JONES CONCEDED THE PENALTY THAT ALLOWED US TO EQUALIZE AND OHMYGOD WHY DOES HIS FACE DO SUCH WEIRD THINGS?!??!!? IT’S LIKE IT’S TRYING TO DETACH ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

6. SAVING ZLATAN’S PENALTY ATTEMPT—ZLATAN THINKS HE IS A GOLDEN GOD WITH HIS TAEKWANDO BLACK BELT BUT HIS SHOT WAS NO MATCH THE MARTIAL ARTS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING DOLPHINS FIGHT OVER A BAG OF RAMEN NOODLES IN A DREAM I ONCE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD START TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NECK WITH A DOG TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RETIRING FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL—THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN DURING THE MATCH BUT IT WAS DURING THE SAME WEEK SO I’M INCLUDING IT HERE ANYWAY AND YOU CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALIZED THAT THE TIME SPENT ON INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL IS TIME I COULD BE USING TO ME EFFECTIVELY FIGHT THE CORN MENACE AND ALL IF ITS MANY FAKE VEGETABLE CONSPIRACIES SO I KNEW I HAD TO REFOCUS MY EFFORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAYING FOR POLAND IS GREAT BUT SAVING THE WORLD FROM COBS OF DESTRUCTION IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s incredible comeback against Liverpool