Spurs gave Chelsea a surprise by coming back from 1–0 down to win 5–3 at White Hart Lane on the first day of the new year. A brace from 21-year-old Harry Kane made him the star as Jose Mourinho stewed in his own conspiracy theories and Chelsea’s defending failed them miserably. This made for a rowdy match and demands that we ask the all-important question: “What if it continued?”
97’ — Harry Kane is now 97 minutes closer to being overworked and collapsing under the pressure of an entire nation’s impossible expectations and constant scrutiny.
101’ — Jose Mourinho puts a metal colander on his head to keep the ball boys from intercepting his thoughts.
112’ — Spurs chairman Daniel Levy texts Gareth Bale: “We’re beating Chelsea 5–3…you’re welcome to come back. Play for free. You know, just for fun maybe? Please?”
115’ — Cesc Fabregas is credited with five more assists even though no one scored.
120’ — Mo Salah realizes how useless he’s been for Chelsea and starts reading to elderly people in the stands just to do something productive.
124’ — Petr Cech covers his mouth and shouts “Five goals?! Courtois can’t cut it!” then pretends to look around to see who said it.
126’ — Ben Stambouli continues to have a very fun name to say.
133’ — Mourinho shouts at referee Phil Dowd that maybe if he were in better shape he would get more calls wrong. Dowd has no idea if that’s an insult or a compliment.
135’ — Harry Kane completes his hat trick, a new religion is immediately started in his honor.
137’ — Everyone on the Chelsea bench chips in to buy Frank Lampard an iPod with the song “Empire State of Mind” set to repeat and a one-way ticket to New York on a flight that leaves immediately.
142’ — Paulinho asks Dowd if he can have the yellow card he was shown in the 72nd minute so he can prove to his family back in Brazil that he is actually playing. Dowd refuses and mutters something about “everyone taking crazy pills today.”
145’ — The match is abandoned when Jose Mourinho starts demanding that everyone in the stadium take off their human masks and reveal themselves as the Illuminati lizard people sent to destroy him that he knows they are.