I am Zlatan. I have a new fragrance that is also Zlatan. I command you to buy it.

Two years of hard work went into the creation of this Zlent. I personally crushed every element of it into its purest essence with a type of roundhouse kick that only I, Zlatan, can legally perform. The bottle that contains this powerful substance is so strong that it can act as an apocalypse bunker for mice and anyone affected by the shrink ray in the 1989 film Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and its sequels.

So what does it smell like? It smells of domestic success, but not continental pretension. It smells of dissatisfaction with French referees and backtracking on one’s feelings for France itself. It smells of nets rippling and goalkeepers’ cry snot. It smells of a burning desire to crush Pep Guardiola and laugh as he is consumed by an indomitable ball of fire. It smells of hugs for Lionel Messi. It smells a bit citrusy, but only because one of the science nerds brought a grapefruit into the smell Zlab and I tried to kick it into a juice for him (he’s blind now).

Wearing this fragrance comes with great responsibility, though. Smelling like Zlatan means all kinds of predators, both real and mythical, will try to attack you when you least expect it. Bears, dragons, sharks, Luis Suarez, the chupacabra, these are all creatures that have come to learn that Zlatan is their greatest threat. They know my scent and will attempt to kill anything that carries it. This is why you must be at least 18 years old or own a crossbow to purchase the Zlatan fragrance. The bottle can also be fashioned into a Zlandheld death spear, which is a great value at this price point.

In conclusion, I am Zlatan. You will buy my fragrance, which, again, is also Zlatan. Pep Guardiola’s end is near. A science nerd was blinded for this. You will be attacked. Use the death spear. Cristiano Ronaldo’s new fragrance smells dumb. End of Zlales pitch.