Speaking ahead of the Community Shield and the start of the new season, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho took a break from roasting his rivals to discuss what he felt his side need to do in order to successfully defend the Premier League title.

From Reuters:

“We are trying to add new qualities to our game to improve what we did in the past,” the Portuguese told reporters during Chelsea’s pre-season tour of the United States.

“We are trying to be a little more unpredictable because opponents know us well and we want to go to the season with high motivation.”

Selling Petr Cech to Arsenal was a start on the path of unpredictableness, but since we at Dirty Tackle like to help, here are a few more ideas on how Chelsea can mix things up a bit…

-Instead of parking the bus, live life on the edge and leave it in neutral

-Let Arsene Wenger beat a Jose Mourinho team for once

-Have Roman Abramovich say something — anything (bonus points if he backs Rafa Benitez to deliver a Europa League title to Real Madrid)

-Have Jose Mourinho respond to jibes from his rivals with sincere compliments and well wishes for their families…maybe even send them gift baskets filled with homemade soaps

-Rig a system that suspends the bus two inches off the ground, or better yet, invent a carbon neutral HOVER BUS!!!

-Let an up and coming product of the youth academy play for the first team (Chelsea’s first team, not Vitesse’s)

-Instruct Diego Costa to say “I love you” every time he gets the urge to act out against an opponent

-Get Falcao to score goals, both for Chelsea and against

-Shrug and say “Everybody makes mistakes” whenever referees make an incorrect call against you

-Call “tails” on the pre-match coin flip whenever you have the urge to call “heads,” and vice versa

-Have the players do a bunch of bath salts before random matches and just see where the wind takes them

-Just say you’re going to change things, but then do everything exactly the same and drive people insane as they desperately search for what you’re doing differently