HomeDirty TackleIf it continued… (Arsenal v Bayern Munich)

If it continued… (Arsenal v Bayern Munich)

October 21, 2015


Arsenal recovered from losing to Dinamo Zagreb and Olympiacos in their first two Champions League group stage matches to end Bayern Munich’s undefeated run with a 2–0 win. This type of careening back and forth between the disastrous and the brilliant has become something of a trademark for Arsenal in the Champions League, but this win has sparked renewed belief in what the club can accomplish, while denting the perception of Bayern’s overwhelming power. Naturally, we must now ask, “What if it continued?”

97’ — Manuel Neuer makes incredible saves at both ends of the pitch, then realizes that this wasn’t a good thing and immediately begins trying to do it again.

101’ — Olivier Giroud figures that his goal in the 77th minute will buy him at least 15 more underwhelming performances for Arsenal before everyone thinks he’s terrible again.

108’ — Pep Guardiola sits quietly, waiting for the next Oktoberfest celebration so he can feel something. Anything.

112’ — Hector Bellerin thanks Douglas Costa for murdering him earlier, because it has allowed him to roam the pitch unencumbered by the shortcomings of a physical body.

115’ — Robert Lewandowski considers not scoring at all in this match to be his charitable deed for the week.

119’ — Thomas Müller laughs at nothing.

126’ — Winning 2–0 despite having just 30% of possession and only 175 passes to Bayern’s 600, Arsene Wenger begins to convulse as he feels himself transform into Jose Mourinho. He begins to insult himself over and over and over again.

130’ — The real Jose Mourinho announces that if he was the one beating Bayern Munich in the Champions League, he would get a £50,000 fine and a 12-match ban. He then leaves when Arsene Wenger shouts all the best Arsene Wenger insults before he could.

133’ — Thomas Müller makes a funny face at the sky and does a somersault.

137’ — Mesut Özil asks everyone in attendance to sign a paper recognizing that he has officially shown up in a big game.

141’ — Guardiola still has not used his third substitution and he doesn’t care. All he wants is a giant pretzel.

145’ — A disheveled Wenger declares that he can’t win like this and attempts to set the Emirates pitch on fire, prompting the referee to blow the final whistle. Petr Cech ever so slightly dampens his teammates excitement over the result by saying, “It’s not as good as the last time I beat Bayern Munich in the Champions League, but, yeah, this is nice. I guess.”





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