The Santiago Bernabeu was pushed to the desperate act of waving of white handkerchiefs as Barcelona defeated Real Madrid 4–0. It was a show of complete domination from Barca that further weakened Rafa Benitez’s authority over Real Madrid and exposed a gulf in quality between the two rivals. When the final whistle charitably blew, it seemed to preempt further destruction that could have wrought untold hysteria. And so, it is our solemn duty to ask “What if it continued?”
97’ — Neymar and Luis Suarez can’t remember whose turn it is to score, so they decide to do it at the same time. They celebrate by calling themselves “The Goal Twins” and developing a secret language together.
98’ — Keylor Navas, who had not allowed a goal at the Bernabeu since January before this match, prays to San Iker for mercy. In response, he only receives the the distant sound of gentle weeping from Portugal.
101’ — Cristiano Ronaldo continues to play like he was, in fact, sent off for elbowing Dani Alves in the head during the first half.
105’ — Sergio Busquets attempts to reenact the Mathieu Valbuena sextape with Karim Benzema.
110’ — Florentino Perez keeps pushing the button that triggers the trap door under Rafa Benitez’s seat, but it doesn’t work.
112’ — Carlo Ancelotti enjoys a relaxing day of not losing by a ton of goals to Barcelona.
117’ — An ineffectual Gareth Bale suddenly doesn’t mind that Cristiano Ronaldo gets all the attention.
123’ — The Goal Twins score again. Gerard Pique asks if he can be a goal twin, but Neymar and Suarez pretend not to hear him.
126’ — Rafa Benitez remains convinced that his team will come back and win because he’s still wearing the same lucky underpants he wore during the 2005 Champions League final.
133’ — Thomas Vermaelen reads Eat, Pray, Love while patiently waiting for his teammates to win several more medals for him.
135’ — Sergio Ramos somehow remains on the pitch with just one yellow card. He feels strangely offended by this. Like when someone you don’t want to date says they find you unattractive.
140’ — The match is abandoned when Lionel Messi finally scores his first goal back from injury and Cristiano Ronaldo releases years of pent-up frustration by declaring that he is banned for life from the Cristiano Ronaldo museum and the Cristiano Ronaldo Ballon d’Fun Amusement Park that he hopes to build at an indeterminate point in the future. In the awkward hush that follows, the trap door under Benitez’s seat finally does its job. The one under Perez’s seat remains jammed.