FIFA has announced that from this day forward, all football matches will be replaced by “polite exhibitions of respect” in place of the actual playing of football.
This decision comes after the public outcry in response to a rash of behavior during matches that has been denounced as disrespectful, including Lionel Messi passing to Luis Suarez from the penalty spot against Celta Vigo, players celebrating after scoring against their former clubs, and opponents swapping shirts at halftime in full view of the fans. Eager to placate the delicate critics of these vile acts that threaten to destroy the very fabric of our society, FIFA has taken swift and decisive action to ensure that no deviation from the generally accepted customs of the game ever offend anyone again.
“FIFA takes harmless actions that are interpreted as disrespectful by oversensitive third parties very seriously,” said FIFA acting president Issa Hayatou at a press conference. “To prove our commitment to wiping out this scourge on the world’s game, we have decided to eliminate the risk of possible exposure to these types of incidents by banning the play of football altogether. Instead, matches will be renamed ‘classies’ and consist of polite exhibitions of respect by the players, such as mandatory hand shaking, complimenting opposing supporters for coming out, and maintaining an acceptably neutral demeanor for 90 minutes. At the final whistle, the winners will be decided by a poll to see which side feels the most respected.”
These changes are sure to disappoint well adjusted fans of the sport, but since they aren’t sanctimonious blowhards, no one really cares what they think.
“Finally, we will no longer have to endure players like Messi and Ronaldo demonstrating their surprising array of awesome athletic talents, inspiring creativity, and relatable human emotions,” said Hayatou. “Instead, we will now be able to enjoy seeing them act like the lifeless, preprogrammed robots we have always dreamed of paying to watch. Football’s sacred honor will never be violated by entertaining deviations from the script again!”
When asked how these changes will impact the truly offensive influences of racism, homophobia, and sexism on the game, Hayatou said, “Let’s keep things in perspective here. First we must eradicate the insult of doing a penalty a bit differently before we get to those things.”