Manchester United midfielder/desperation striker Marouane Fellaini has admitted to a long-held belief that opposing footballers’ heads are filled with candy, prompting his intense desire to elbow it free. His teammates informed him that this isn’t the case after losing to rivals Liverpool by an aggregate score of 3–1.
“Ever since I first saw a piñata, I have always been convinced that my opponents heads also contain sweet, delicious candy,” said Fellaini, who was booked for elbowing Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren in the second leg of the tie. “I like candy. I like candy a lot. But when I tried to bring a large stick onto the pitch for a match, they wouldn’t let me. So ever since I’ve just tried to bash their heads open with my elbows so the candy can come out and I can have it.”
The Belgian added: “I’ve had teammates try to convince me that this isn’t true in the past, but I never believed them. I just thought they were trying to keep more candy for themselves. But I now accept that this isn’t the case and I apologize for trying to elbow the non-existent candy out of opposing players for so long.”
Though Fellaini has backed off of this belief, he says that he has developed a new theory about embattled Man United manager Louis van Gaal.
“Van Gaal’s head has to be filled with candy,” Fellaini said. “Of that I am certain. I mean, it’s the only way you can explain all of this — me playing as a striker, the things he says, the players he’s brought in. If that’s not the mark of a man with candy for brains, then I don’t know what is.”
Asked if he will now stop elbowing opponents in the head after coming to terms with the truth and apologizing for his actions, Fellaini said, “What? No. Why would I?”