Following Aston Villa’s announcement that striker Gabriel Agbonlahor has been suspended for being pictured with laughing gas canisters, the club has also announced an investigation into all of their players not pictured with laughing gas canisters.
“Obviously we punished Gabby because professional footballers aren’t allowed to be seen having fun in public,” said a club spokesman. “But our true concern is the players who haven’t been caught with laughing gas or any other recreational drugs. After a season like this, all our players really should be doing something to help them cope with the raging toilet fire that is their professional lives.”
Aston Villa’s relegation has already been sealed with four matches left to play and several board members have resigned in recent days as fan protests and the search for a manager to replace Remi Garde, who replaced Tim Sherwood in November, are both ongoing.
“Everyone needs a laugh once in a while and using a gas that alters the mind and induces laughter is the only way we can think to make that happen for anyone associated with Villa,” the club spokesman added. “To be honest, the club’s entire non-playing staff has been using laughing gas during work hours since February. So if any of the players are having a hard time finding some, we can definitely hook them up.”
Aston Villa hope to have all of their players using laughing gas at least once per week in the near future and plan to slip ecstasy into their food during the offseason. At the same time, they also promise to do a better job of making the public think their players are in a suitably constant state of unrelenting pain and anguish punctuated only by weeping fits that prove the required level of despair for their current predicament.