HomeDirty TackleIf it continued… (Real Madrid v Atletico Madrid, Champions League final redux)

If it continued… (Real Madrid v Atletico Madrid, Champions League final redux)

May 29, 2016


The 2016 Champions League final ended with a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty and a lot of utterly exhausted players. But what if the match had not gone to a shootout and instead continued with even more extra time?

125’ — Frustrated by his own ineffectiveness, Cristiano Ronaldo tries to jumpstart his performance by playing on without wearing a shirt. Referee Mark Clattenburg shows him a yellow card, but allows him to remain shirtless after Cristiano convinces him to do the same. Cristiano is surprised by how little convincing this requires.

129’ — 21-year-old Saul Niguez curls up into the fetal position on the pitch as the pressure of everyone shouting “Better Call Saul…you know, like the television show” at him finally takes its toll.

132’ — Pepe claims to have been paralyzed by an Atletico player making direct eye contact with him. When he is informed that one cannot melodramatically claw at their own face while paralyzed, he declares that he has “moving paralysis.” Everyone in the stadium rolls their eyes at the same exact time, causing a gentle breeze that Pepe mistakes for an opponent violently breathing on him.

137’ — Fernando Torres is awarded a goal because he looks sad and no one wants to see that.

141’ — The match is momentarily halted to recognize the achievements of Filipe Luis’ agent after his client won La Liga with Atletico in 2014, went to Chelsea and won the Premier League in 2015, and is now back with Atletico in the Champions League final this season while Chelsea finished 10th in the Premier League.

144’ — Karim Benzema attempts to blackmail Yannick Carrasco with the video of the Atletico winger passionately kissing his girlfriend after scoring in the first half.

150’ — Gareth Bale scores by slapping the ball with his oddly long bun. Despite thorough analysis of the laws of the game, match officials begrudgingly rule that a goal cannot be disallowed for being scored by a terrible hairdo.

153’ — Iker Casillas feels so alone.

156’ — Conceding goals to Sergio Ramos in not one but two Champions League finals leaves Diego Simeone sapped of his usual desire to kill all living creatures within his line of vision. Zidane, meanwhile, is just happy he’s made it this far without tearing his pants for a third time this season.

162’ — Cristiano Ronaldo gets a severe cramp from flexing his pecs too hard.

170’ — The match is abandoned when everyone grows too tired of Pepe’s constant playacting to continue. Actor Richard Gere is declared the winner. Arsene Wenger can’t believe that the guy from Runaway Bride won the Champions League before he did.


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