Following a 0–0 draw with a 10-man South Africa in their first match of the Rio Olympics, Brazil has officially declared that the nation does not care about football.
“Football is not really a big deal in Brazil,” said Brazilian football confederation president Marco Polo Del Nero. “I don’t know where this myth about Brazil living and breathing football started, but it’s not true. It’s really not. It’s just not. It’s not. If anything, I’d say we’re more of an ultimate frisbee nation above all else.”
The Brazilian national team has fallen on hard times in recent years, with their embarrassing 7–1 semifinal loss to Germany at the World Cup they hosted in 2014, followed by a quarterfinal loss to Paraguay at the 2015 Copa America, and group-stage elimination earlier this summer at the Copa America Centenario. It was believed that Brazil wanted their top player, Neymar, to lead the Olympic team and help ensure they finally win their first ever gold medal in the sport, but they are now insisting that this isn’t the case.
“I mean, Neymar wanted to play in the Olympics so we said ‘Yeah, sure, whatever,’” Del Nero claimed. “Again, football’s just not at all important here, so he can do whatever he wants. I know that in Spain he’s some big star, but here in Brazil everyone is like ‘Neymar who?’ Seriously, that’s what everyone says. Well, they would if someone were to mention his name, but that doesn’t happen since no one cares about him or football or any kind of ball, really. Like I said before, this is a big-time ultimate frisbee country. Can’t get enough of that flying square. Triangle. I meant triangle. Of course I know what shape a frisbee is. They’re all over the place here. That’s Brazil. Land of the Flying Rectangles.”
Upon asking several Brazilians of all ages on the streets of Rio about this assertion, they all agreed that football is not at all popular in the country that has won a record five World Cups. They also were all quick to excuse themselves, each citing a sudden blast of dust in their eyes.