Arsene Wenger gloats about his new contract
June 1, 2017
A brief statement from the Arsenal manager after signing his two-year extension
Thought you could get rid of me, did you? With your signs and your plane banners and your Twitter campaigns. Well you tried to fight the zombie apocalypse with water pistols and you lost. Your memes and your YouTube rants have no effect here in Wenger World. Emirates Stadium arose through the sheer force of my frugal will. The only thing that matters here is finishing in fourth place. And even that doesn’t matter anymore. HAHAHAHA!
Perhaps I would have retired if you sniveling ingrates had not awoken my wrath. Insolence of this magnitude deserves smiting. And with this new contract, that is what I will do.
How will I do it, your trembling eyeballs ask?
I will only sign players who even the makers of Football Manager 2017 have never heard of. Ticket prices will rise even further, and the club’s website will broadcast a 24-hour live webcam of our unparalleled and untouched cash reserves as it sits idly forever. I will let Spurs continue to finish above us every season, and once my new contract expires, I will sign another. And another. And another.
I will outlast all of you. Why? Because I am immortal. I am The Highlander. I am the fucking Lizard King of the FA Cup. Bow down before your eternal overlord and repent! REPENT!