“My assessment is simple. Four moments of the game: minute 30, minute 33, minute 43, and minute 69. If a person at home didn’t watch the game and wants to know what the game was, instead of being in front of the screen for 90 minutes, go just to those four moments — minutes 30, 33, 43, and 69 and you’ll know the story of the game.”
That’s all Jose Mourinho would say after Chelsea’s 1–1 draw with Burnley at Stamford Bridge. On the surface, it sounds like he’s pointing out the four moments where the referee failed to make calls that prevented Chelsea from winning and doing so in a way that might not earn him yet another fine from the FA. But there’s far more to it than that.
What Mourinho did here was share a numerical code that, when deciphered, reveals his true feelings on what happened. The formula is extremely complex, so I won’t detail how these answers are reached here. Instead, I will just show the words they produce.
30 — This is the moment when Ashley Barnes kicked Branislav Ivanovic in the back while both players were in midair and went unpunished. It’s also the number of referees Mourinho would like to put inside a large shipping container and drop in the middle of the desert with no supplies, then, a week later, drive up and drink a large jug of water in front of them while ignoring their pleas for a taste so they can know how it feels for him when they refuse to make these calls.
33 — The moment Michael Kightly’s handball in the box goes uncalled and Chelsea are denied their first penalty shout of the day. This number also reveals the questions “Why do all of Chelsea’s opponents have hands that count as feet? Are they all donkeys?”
43 — The moment Jason Shackhell pushed down Diego Costa in the box, giving Chelsea another penalty shout that was ignored. It also produces the phrase, “If Diego Costa did this, he would have been euthanized faster than a pit bull who bites Prince George (not that I want that to happen, because he and Eugenie are the only two royals I can semi-tolerate).”
69 — The moment Barnes planted his studs in the side of Nemanja Matic’s leg and went unpunished while Matic himself was sent off for shoving Barnes in response (Burnley went on to score 11 minutes later). This is also a sexual position and Mourinho thought it would be funny to reference it on television. There actually isn’t a deeper meaning to this one. He was just trying to cheer himself up a bit.
3,0334,369 — All of the numbers Mourinho said, but when put together, they create the total amount of money (in pounds) that he expects to be fined by the FA this season for speaking (or refusing to speak) about decisions like these. It’s also the amount he would pay to be able to sink Martin Atkinson in a charity dunk tank. For reference, he would only pay £1.6 million to sink Pep Guardiola.
It’s also worth noting that each number contains a 3 or a multiple of it. This represents the three points Chelsea were denied by the day’s referee shenanigans. It’s also the number of letters in the words “die ref die.”
Consider your mind officially blown.