Long time no talk! How about that match, eh? Losing to your old club in the Champions League must feel awful. And the way this season has been going for you must really have you feeling almost as bad as you made me feel when we were together at Real Madrid, the club I had been with nearly my whole life until you made them think I was worthless and they eventually shipped me out to Porto.
Anyway, I just wanted to invite you to a big party that I’ve been planning every day for the last few years to celebrate beating you in the Champions League. Again, I totally understand if you’re not in the mood to party, but for the first time in a while, I am.
I’ve invited a lot of great people who would love to see you right now. Xavi, Pep Guardiola, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pepe, and Manuel Pellegrini will all be there and we’re going to do some fun things like watch highlights of the Champions League titles Chelsea and Real Madrid won after you left them and not criticize Arsene Wenger. I’ve also arranged to have all your least favorite foods. Yum!
If you’re worried about being too down and killing the vibe of the party, please don’t. The worse you feel, the better the party will be for everyone else there. So come on over! It will be in the basement of an unnamed referee’s house tomorrow from nine until question mark.
Can’t wait to celebrate your misery!