A night in the stands with Cristiano Ronaldo


The first leg of Man City and Real Madrid’s Champions League semifinal was stupendously boring and Cristiano Ronaldo had to sit in the stands and watch it like the rest of us due to a muscle injury. It quickly became clear that this was an outer ring of his own personal hell.


Before the match came Cristiano’s unexpected exclusion from the squad and his dissatisfaction was communicated through his expert impression of the frowny face emoji.


In an effort to cheer himself up, Cristiano decided to put on his headphones and listen to some music to drown out the sound of Gareth Bale telling his teammates “Just pretend that I’m Cristiano tonight. In fact, you can call me ‘Cristiano.’ Please.”


He hit “shuffle” and “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel came on — a song he didn’t even know he had downloaded to his device.


Then he tried to disassociate from his body while watching Bale practice taking free kicks.


“Maybe I can get them to postpone the match if I tear another hole in Zidane’s pants…”


“I’ve read this paper 12 times now and I still don’t see my name anywhere on it.”


“Maybe if I hold my breath I’ll pass out and wake up when I’m healthy and the second leg is about to begin.”


“Look at Zidane’s pants! They’re all torn up again!”


“This is so, so boring.”


(Resumes holding his breath)