A melancholy Roman Abramovich was caught on camera with his texting finger hovering over his phone as his Chelsea put on a dismal performance in a 3–0 loss to Man City. These are his texts.

To: Jose Mourinho

It wasn’t your fault. I see that now. Up for round 3 in a couple years?

To: Petr Cech

Courtois sent off. Please come back.

To: Kevin De Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku

Please come back.

To: John Terry

I’ll give you anything you want if you promise to dump Baba Rahman in the sea.

To: Antonio Conte

Help me.

To: Eden Hazard

WTF are you doing?!?!?!

To: Randy Lerner

I have lots of Championship quality players for Villa. Let’s talk.

To: 999 (emergency)

There are 25 men stealing large sums of money from me at Stamford Bridge. Please arrest them all immediately.