A melancholy Roman Abramovich was caught on camera with his texting finger hovering over his phone as his Chelsea put on a dismal performance in a 3–0 loss to Man City. These are his texts.
To: Jose Mourinho
It wasn’t your fault. I see that now. Up for round 3 in a couple years?
To: Petr Cech
Courtois sent off. Please come back.
To: Kevin De Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku
Please come back.
To: John Terry
I’ll give you anything you want if you promise to dump Baba Rahman in the sea.
To: Antonio Conte
To: Eden Hazard
WTF are you doing?!?!?!
To: Randy Lerner
I have lots of Championship quality players for Villa. Let’s talk.
To: 999 (emergency)
There are 25 men stealing large sums of money from me at Stamford Bridge. Please arrest them all immediately.