HomeDirty TackleIf it continued…. (Arsenal v Chelsea)

If it continued…. (Arsenal v Chelsea)

April 27, 2015


Arsenal and Chelsea settled for a scoreless draw at the Emirates, extending Jose Mourinho’s unbeaten streak against Arsene Wenger to 13 matches and putting Chelsea a step closer to a seemingly inevitable Premier League title.

Though Chelsea once again employed a strategy roughly akin to a bank handing you all of their money and daring you to escape with it, putting all the blame for the match’s lack of entertainment value on them is like blaming the guests at a party for it being dull. Arsenal had 12 shots, but just one on target. Surely the hosts must take some responsibility for poor planning and execution. And a distinct lack of guacamole.

But while others debate tactics, we must ask, “What if it conitnued?”

97’ — Like a scientist who doesn’t believe in climate change, referee Michael Oliver announces his belief that penalties aren’t a thing.

101’ — Nothing happens. Chelsea plan their parade route from one end of Roman Abramovich’s largest yacht to the other. It will take three days.

104’ — Cesc Fabregas decides that his return to the Emirates was a rousing success since no one threw a pig’s head at him.

109’ — Nothing happens. “Winning is overrated” has a staring contest with “Winning is no longer necessary.” Neither of these concepts have eyelids.

115’ — Jose Mourinho regrets not starting Petr Cech as a striker just to show that he can.

118’ — Arsene Wenger books to a post-season trip to anywhere Jose Mourinho isn’t.

122’ — Nothing happens. Everyone present agrees that watching Man United lose 3–0 to Everton was enough fun for one day. 3–0!

126’ — Eden Hazard conserves his energy for accepting the PFA Player of the Year award later, which he is sure will involve being fouled several times on his way to the stage.

130’ — Wenger’s request to trade his third substitution for one chance to hit Mourinho with the substitution board is denied.

133’ — Nothing happens. But isn’t the absence of something still something? Is everything nothing? What are we really doing here?

134’ — The collective existential crisis brought on by this opportunity to think at a deeper level opens up a black hole that consumes the Emirates, both destroying all it contains and allowing everything to continue on as expected at the same time.

&*%’ — The match is abandoned when no one in the stadium can figure out whether they all had reached a higher understanding of human existence or were suffering the effects of ignored head injuries, proving that our societal failings in that area go beyond the Premier League’s ineffective protocols.

140’ — Jose Mourinho burns Arsenal in his post-match press conference, proving that he spent the whole afternoon thinking up the best way to burn Arsenal in his post-match press conference.






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