Future News: Yaya Toure proposes acceptable level of praise for Yaya Toure
Following his latest complaints of being underappreciated, Yaya Toure has laid out an a comprehensive plan for how the world should praise him properly. In an interview…
Nonsense
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Future News: Premier League requires all foreign born managers to declare which “One” they are
The Premier League has instituted a new rule that requires all managers who do not hold a UK passport to select an adjective denoting which “One” they…
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Pele is unsure why everyone cares about Cristiano Ronaldo scoring less than half as many goals as him
I am Pele, the greatest footballer of all time and the source material for all official Pele hair diamonds. Everyone is talking about Cristiano Ronaldo reaching 500…
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Iker Casillas invites Jose Mourinho to a party after Porto beat Chelsea
Hey Jose, Long time no talk! How about that match, eh? Losing to your old club in the Champions League must feel awful. And the way this…
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How to make it in Swiss prison if you’re Sepp Blatter
It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel…
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Letters from Bojan: A triumphant return
The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years…
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You’re dumb, fight me by Diego Costa
(EFE) You’re dumb. And because you’re dumb, you’re going to fight me for saying that you’re dumb and then you’re the one who is going to get…
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Let Ed Woodward help YOU: Player testimonials
Is your career not going the way you want it to? Are your bosses ignoring your true desires? LET ED WOODWARD HELP YOU! By enlisting the services…
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Pepe’s open letter to Gerard Pique, urging him to calm down
Hey Gerard, it’s me, your old not friend Pepe. I know we don’t really talk much outside of insulting each other during El Clasicos, but I just…
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If it continued… (Man City v Chelsea)
After a full week of medical staff controversy, Chelsea lost 3–0 to Man City in a match that had them on their heels from the opening seconds.…
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Raheem Sterling thwarts steward’s attempt to protect fans from him
Human embodiment of evil Raheem Sterling took a break from constantly using hippy crack and lending his Mercedes to people just so they could crash it to…
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Future News: Pepe claims Lionel Messi broke into his house and terrorized him in the night
Real Madrid defender Pepe has made the sensational claim that Barcelona star Lionel Messi broke into his house in the dead of night and brutally attacked him.…